I need to do something about body. There is too much of it. It gets in my way and its shape doesn't reflect me.
I used to have the URL for a brilliant BMI calculator. When you typed in your data (weight and height), it showed you the silhouette of a woman, her shape based on the information you gave. I discovered it while in the grip of my eating disorder at its most ferocious. It told me that my weight was in the 3rd percentile for my age and height. I keyed in all my weights for the past five months (recorded faithfully every day) and watched the shadow-woman on the screen change shape, until she was just stark lines instead of curves. I would return to it whenever I needed to see tangible reassurance that I was doing OK.
I've forgotten the web address (how did that happen?!) but I remember the comfort I felt when I saw the image. Now I have breasts, hips, backside. I don't like how they feel on me and I don't like the shit they represent. I want them gone.
Well, not literally gone. The absence of a backside would pose an inconvenience, especially given how much time I spend sitting on it. But not so sticky-out as it is now.
I used to have the URL for a brilliant BMI calculator. When you typed in your data (weight and height), it showed you the silhouette of a woman, her shape based on the information you gave. I discovered it while in the grip of my eating disorder at its most ferocious. It told me that my weight was in the 3rd percentile for my age and height. I keyed in all my weights for the past five months (recorded faithfully every day) and watched the shadow-woman on the screen change shape, until she was just stark lines instead of curves. I would return to it whenever I needed to see tangible reassurance that I was doing OK.
I've forgotten the web address (how did that happen?!) but I remember the comfort I felt when I saw the image. Now I have breasts, hips, backside. I don't like how they feel on me and I don't like the shit they represent. I want them gone.
Well, not literally gone. The absence of a backside would pose an inconvenience, especially given how much time I spend sitting on it. But not so sticky-out as it is now.
